my absent virtues

I could sit here and tell you all the ways I'm awesome, but that would take too long, so instead I am gonna focus on my missing virtues, (of which there are only a few) I am not doing this because I want to draw attention to my shortcomings but because one in particular is vexing me at the moment.

There are two kinds of patience - that which you have with your loved ones, and which you extend to them when needed, and that which has to do with more personal matters, and things which affect you directly. Patience I have, when it comes to those I love, however when it comes to waiting for something, I have absolutely NONE - never have, likely never will.

I enjoy looking forward to something pleasant, like a holiday, but when it is potentially a life changing momentous sort of event, i prefer it to happen NOW!! Whether it is for the bad or good, i hate that state of limbo, knowing change is coming but having to wait for it is just torture for me - all my cells rebel against it. Especially when i know it's the most amazing, epic thing that's i've ever looked forward to so far in my life :)

Change isn't something i have always been comfortable with, but i've grown into a place where while i feel that i will always need to have roots somewhere, I shall be fine wherever I land. I'm much more Water than Earth, the older i get. I love knowing that wherever life takes me it will be good, it will be positive. I've learned a lot in my years here. I've been bitter and jaded and angry, but that is long in my past - the future is very bright indeed. I always hoped for this, and am so blessed that I've finally found it :) Perhaps it was only waiting for me to be ready for it ^__^ That is the only thing that makes waiting worthwhile, because it is so worth waiting for :)

I Used to Write...

...a long time ago when I was inspired by fairy tales and beautiful dreams. I mean, yes, anyone who knows me knows I've always been inspired by the more macabre and dark things as well, but let's put that on hold for a moment. Despite what I typically let the world see (which isn't much, granted) I have always been a hopeless romantic at heart, and of course movies like Legend and Labyrinth have always made me breathe girly sighs, imagining for just a brief moment in time that I was the beautiful heroine in the story, equally drawn to the light and the dark, seducing and seduced by them both.

I guess now that I think about it those movies aren't exactly light and airy... they're kind of twisted too, which I suppose is really a good picture into my mind - this duality of soft romanticism and dark overtones - a sort of deep and frightening emotional schizophrenia which admittedly has perplexed many who have crossed my path, and driven away most... some even, perhaps, screaming - at least on the inside lol.

Perhaps it is my fault, for I suppose my intensely passionate, emotional artistic mind has always endeavored to create the picture of what is on the inside, outside, and since real people are just that - real - to play a part in my real life macabre fairy tale would require one to be of like mind and heart... but alas, most of the players in the story of the world are bit parts, to be barely noticed, and forgotten, extras and aspiring wannabes who only barely realize who or what they are, let alone what they could be, and as such, do not belong in my lofty visions.

So that being said we come to the point of this writing, for it seems indeed that my life is unfolding to be its own little fairy tale... one with a bit of a tragic beginning and which if one were to watch, would believe it to be hopeless and with a bitter ending...

... but the heroine is tired of these games and the viewer finds that she is indeed a goddess to be reckoned with, and has always been - as she awakens from her slumber, casts off her drab disguises, and reveals herself ever so momentarily to the world, she appears to grow taller, the velvety darkness that surrounds her becomes alive with motion, as though the air is made of black silk flowing in the night wind, and the intensity radiates off her like a living creature all its own - she gathers the forces of creativity to her and embraces them in a passionate ecstasy, with a force that pushes outwards the very fabric of reality and drives away anything and anyone nearby.

And when she finally opens her eyes and gazes forward she sees a silhouette in the darkness.... someone is standing there - someone who has not only survived the small apocalypse she has initiated but has the courage to gaze into her own eyes and see her soul.... and matches her intensity, unafraid. It is a welcome surprise for she has stood alone her entire existence, always having had admirers and enemies surrounding her; with praises and curses constantly thrown at her feet but no one ever to stand by her side in truth, honesty, and equality.

And thus, the story ends... but only so that another one can begin :)

it's been awhile...

Lately I've been inspired. My soul has been stirred once more into its natural creative state, my mind opened to new and wonderful possibilities.

I am so blessed, so grateful, so happy in my soul, i have re-discovered the joy i didn't even know i had lost. My vigor and excitement and passion is all mine again... and i am mine again.

I am as the wild panther, released from captivity, ready to pounce on life and all its treasures... to hunt out my happiness and devour it with bliss.... to stalk gracefully through the shadows and dappled sunlight in the trees, and be admired from afar, or from near if one is brave enough.